The Secret Lives of CSIs
by forensicsfan
Summary: You think you know all of their deep dark secrets...but do you really?


**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, I didn't create them, and I don't profit from them, but this little idea is all mine…

**Author's Note:** This is a spoof. I got a random idea and ran with it. I hope you enjoy.

_**The Secret Lives of CSIs**_

No one would guess from looking at them that they all have deep dark secrets that they wouldn't want anyone to know about, but even then, these wouldn't be the deep dark secrets that you might imagine a group of top crime scene investigators having.

Take Gil Grissom for example. The man may be a brilliant criminalist, a prominent entomologist, and a roller coaster aficionado, but who would guess that in additional to his love of classic films that he is a closet cartoon network junkie, or that he has a secret crush on one of the Power Puff Girls? Most people think that the reason he's never gone after Sara Sidle is because he's relationally stunted. Nothing could be further from the truth, well, sort of. He's just afraid if he started seeing someone at work that his other secret might come out, one that would be mortifying, and one which led him to buy a townhouse in Henderson, far enough away from the rest of his coworkers that they might not find out. Of course Brass found out accidentally one afternoon when he stopped by, but he's been sworn to secrecy and he's actually begun to join in on occasion. However, even with the plethora of channels on cable television, it's become more and more difficult to find airings of the original Mickey Mouse Club, but die hard Annette Funicello fans will do just about anything to keep the magic alive.

See all things are not what they seem.

It is well known that swing shift supervisor Catherine Willows is a single mother and a former exotic dancer, as well as, uh, well, let's just say she has a full social life that leaves little to the imagination. But who would really guess that she's missed the final cut for the Pillsbury Bake Off three times by one vote, or that she invented a flavored lip gloss accidentally while trying to perfect a glaze for a strudel recipe? It's saved her a considerable amount of money on lipstick and now that Lindsey is starting to wear make-up, she's been asking Catherine to invent another flavor for her. Catherine has even considered looking in to making her own line of cosmetics made of completely natural ingredients, if only she could keep the kiwis from spoiling. But even that isn't her biggest secret, were that to come to light, it would be embarrassment galore, and perhaps a spread in the National Inquirer should those photos of her and David Hasselhoff be made public.

Warrick Brown is fairly soft spoken, and as a recovering gambling addict he tends to stay away from the casinos unless he's on a case. Some people know that he's a pretty talented musician and maybe one or two are aware that he's got a thing for Catherine, even if he would probably never publicly admit it. But he's fairly certain that no one knows how much he loves daylighting as a clown at children's birthday parties. He sort of stumbled into it accidentally in college as a way to make a little extra cash and never looked back. In fact there's a waiting list to book him. He hopes no one ever discovers that secret. There was that one time though that he was one page away from being discovered when Sara and Catherine were investigating the death of a rent-a-clown and the victim's picture was on the page just before his.

You might think you know everything there is to know about open-book Greg Sanders. The DNA lab won't be the same with him out in the field now, and the field may never be the same either. He is quirky, that's true. He loves loud alternative rock, loves Pink, has harbored a not so secret crush on Sara Sidle since the day he met her, and has an eclectic taste in clothing and hairstyles. He has highbrow tastes in coffee and takes great pains to keep it from other people. His, uh, taste in women and, uh, well all that goes along with that is decidedly unconventional, except maybe in Vegas. What you may not know is that he's won the Southern Nevada Yodeling contest four years in a row. Despite his Nordic heritage, he had a neighbor that hailed from Switzerland and piqued his interest in the, uh, art of yodeling, or as Greg's father referred to it 'annoying the hell out of the neighbors'. Of course, that's something that he keeps to himself, that and his obsession with chocolate covered lutefisk.

Nick Stokes has been misjudged and categorized a number of different ways. Just as you would expect, he's a sports nut, and he can appreciate a beautiful woman. He may be from Dallas, but he'd never even ridden a horse, roped a calf, or owned a pair of Wranglers. He's a city boy, born and bred and even though he has an overblown reputation as a ladies man, perpetuated by Greg Sanders, these days he's more likely sitting at home in his off time or out bowling with his friends. Well he does love hang gliding and rock climbing too, at least when he isn't engaging in his secret passion, which incidentally he shares with one of his coworkers. Nick's been called many things: Cowboy, redneck, hick, sexy, but if anyone knew his secret nickname, he'd hang them by their toes upside down from a wall and tickle the bottoms of their feet with a feather. Twinkle Toes is just not something he wants getting out.

Sara Sidle has been described as an enigma. Everyone thinks that she's eternally obsessed with Grissom, and for a time, she would have had to agree, but she's learned that she can't change him and she needs to move on. She's put away her police scanners and has begun to vary her reading list to include home decorating magazines and romance novels in addition to her forensic journals. Not that she wouldn't mind cornering Gil Grissom just to see what he would do if they were in close quarters alone, she still finds the man attractive, but she's also found that she can enjoy being close to someone and not necessarily have to worry about what they think of her. She might let herself fall in love, she might not; of course it might already be too late, otherwise, she might not have agreed to the whole setup in the first place. But for now, she's going to remain steadfastly in denial, at least until after the championships. Then all bets are off.

You see Sara's been doing competitive ballroom dancing with Nick. Neither one of them want anyone else to know about it, at least until they win a competition. They've placed three out of the last four times they've competed, but until there is a reason, they don't want to draw any unnecessary attention to their newfound passion. There was enough of a kerfuffle when they ran into each other at a place that offered ballroom dancing lessons, and from there they never looked back, well unless they were in the middle of the Tango or something.

You see, you never really know what makes the average criminalist tick, but then, these people aren't average criminalists, they're what makes the Las Vegas Crime Lab the number two lab in the country, and if it wasn't for a little lip gloss and lutefisk, and a man named Ecklie they might be number one.

_**The End**_


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